u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
