When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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