my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there's paper in my vomit.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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