I think I won the penis lottery.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
