My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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