he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There's always time for handjobs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
