I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
