When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
