you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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