Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
