listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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