Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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