I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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