Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
