I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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