Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
