i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Panties = found
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
