I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
