I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
A+ Viking dick
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