I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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