Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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