She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
