If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
