Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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