she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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