I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Two words: nipple clamps
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