Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
