I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
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