I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
