I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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