Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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