Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
