i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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