Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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