They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
