If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
