I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
