I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
