Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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