home. puking in laundry basket.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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