I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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