i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
