These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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