I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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