Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
50% drunk capacity currently
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
