Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
