he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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