Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You are the jesus of drinking
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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