where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I am naked and annoyed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
