69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
