I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
